As an investigative journalist, I have the privilege of consulting with the world’s greatest minds on the most widespread and pressing conundrums, and none has been so controversial as the actual length of March 2020. Fortunately, I was able to tap the apex of human (and non-human) knowledge on the subject to arrive at a conclusive response.

Since the events of March 2020 revolve around a deadly contagion, I thought it best to first confer with a doctor. I first asked him about how many people refuse to take COVID-19 seriously. “It’s intriguing how they can believe in invisible things while ignoring the blatantly obvious. Conversely, when this is all over, they will forget—never underestimate humans’ ability to forget the bizarre.”

Next, I asked him about the nature of March itself. “It’s all wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey anyway. After all, a straight line through a month may be the shortest distance, but it is by no means the most interesting.”

“Interesting” is hardly how some folk are describing it on social media. Most weren’t happy with the extended nature of March. There has even been some pushback to the idea of continuing March until the concern passes. UPDATE: the measure to extend March never reached the floor, due to lack of intelligent activity in Congress. 


Another self-proclaimed frood of questionable humanity gave this confirmation to those who are tempted to no longer trust the normal passage of time. “Time is an illusion; during a pandemic, doubly so.” He seems to believe that as long you haven’t lost your towel, you’ll make it through okay. Disclaimer: this expert has coped well with extreme loss in the past, but is on the verge of losing his celestial body, so his advice is questionable at best.

Since neither of our experts were even susceptible to the novel coronavirus, we reached out to a couple of experts who were distinctly more human. Though he was personally responsible for the demotion of Pluto, we still sought out Neil deGrasse Tyson to say something on the matter. “We’re prisoners of the present, but time can be stretched.” He did have some optimism to share. “You pivot everything on Corona and tell me that all of civilization will be different? I’m not buying that. Civilization is more robust than that.”

Carl Sagan—Mr. Cosmos, himself—also chimed in from his cold, dank dwelling. “Extraordinary claims like a month lasting a year require extraordinary evidence. We are butterflies who flutter for day and it’s actually forever. One of the best cures for extended periods of isolation is reading. Books break the shackles of time.” He also encouraged some sort of meaningful interaction, even if it can’t be in person. “You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you’re not; this vastness is bearable only through love.”

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